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Oxon Hill, MD, United States

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

can we say LOVE is DEAD.

Can we say unLoveD??

So on Aug 5, 2009 I told him I hated his ass. And I honest to god I do! For these past few years mayb I've been obsessed with the idea of me being in love with such a charming and lovely guy. But on Aug 5. of this year I learned that he was such an asshole. Like, never in my life have I cared so much or gone through so much with somebody. i swear no matter what happened we were always there for each other but time I guess just took a serious toll on us and our "relationship". it's like this...

so to have loved someone who doesn't love you back is crazy but then to have loved someone for so long and to think and believe that they love you back is another. Like really? So many thoughts are going through my head at the moment so it's difficult for me to even type all of my thoughts down.

To have claim that you are a man and not do your manly duties and speak and say whats on your mind is kind of stupid. to be such good friends and then one day all of it go to waste is ridiculous. we stopped being friends, then we were friends and stopped again and then became friends and now it's over this dumb ass roller coaster is finally over. me sitting around looking dumb is all over. not that i was waiting or like pausing my life, but i did kind of put people on hold. i had boyfriends, guys, top five's all of it. but at the end of the day my heart was stuck on one person. and it isn't like that anymore. its this other guy, another guy and another guy and that's it.. lol crazy and weird.

i wanted to be with him, to get married to him and all that good stuff and i believed the same thing.

like from high school till now I've been crazy bitter and upset because he left me for one then got a girl and told me he wanted to b with me, but you have a girlfriend. then i finally blow up because im pissed because i waited so long to hear that from 11-12th, but like, u have a girlfriend. smdh! all that shit in hs i went through and you just gonna be with someone else. all them times of my holding my damn tongue not say shit, not beating your ass cus i felt disrespected and you gonna go with this random off brand chick who you just fucking met. and then you had the nerve to tell me that you wanted to be with me. and so because i blew the fuck up and got pissed u decided that you were to scared to face reality and try to understand my side or my point of view, u just turned the other cheek on me. "What do you want from me?" "I just want to be your friend" "I don''t want to be your friend anymore". damn, that's how you felt, and like that we were done. one command and one tear that night. and i went on about my life...

summer time arrived and i just thought we weren't friends. at all. no laughs, no comments to each other nothing.. until a cookout and u decided you wanted to be my friend again. damn i must have looked really good then. lmao. but u though it was okay to jump back in my life and i let you believe that. i hated you soooo much for that, but i loved you too much to sit there and ignore you forever. damn, i just had to give in. and look where that got me. then you left again, and school started and turkey day and Christmas came and we were friends again. all in each others faces all of that. thought everything was cool, then some how we fell off. oh well i thought, oh fucking well. "To my beloved, think we need some time away They say if you love it, you should let it out its cage And fuck it, if it comes back you know it's there to stay It's tugging," Jay-Z Dear Summer..... that was your shit, you liked it. we kept it moving.

the last summer when my mommies passed we spent so much time talking. but i was so confused. when i treated you like somebody you want to be treated like everybody, but when i talked to you like you were everybody else you wanted to be somebody. it was crazy, didn't understand. and never will. oh well i guess. a lot of stuff just never was discussed.

the last summer in college and it's like everything going crazy. i guess we'll never be the same. oh well what can i say. i hate you now, we don't talk no more and fuck it. everything happens for a reason, idk what the reason is right now but maybe in a few years I'll know. maybe I'll understand eventually. you came home for a fucking week and then everything i ever felt just rushed back, u let me think that you wanted it to really work. "Write me a letter of how you feel". and that's what i did, a four page letter; which, to me, isn't enough for me to explain 5-6 years of what im feeling. like my thoughts were allllllll over the place. and you never responded like you said you would, you never replied back, you never did anything. i asked you and every time i asked you said i'll e-mail it to you, i'll respond back, i got you. blah fucking blah. i took a quick road trip to visit my family in two different states in like 4 day and i thought, "well it would be nice to see him" So i texted you and some other friends of mines, but you were the only that didn't answer. the only one i actually wanted to see didn't even respond to my text. confused cus he hasn't been responding in a while, so i thought his phone was messed up. i called it, nope it rang, but maybe it's still messed up. i said forget it and went to sleep. next morning my cousin texted him and he had the nerve to respond to that shit! i almost died that day, hurt, but pissed at the same time.

"damn that's how you felt" along with some other words and sentences and what i got back wasn't what i wanted to hear. "what we had is gone..." gone, gone, you mean to tell me that shit is gone... shut up! get outta here. man, i couldn't even think, and if i could i would type everything he sent me, but i can't remember it all, i can't remember cause i don't want to remember it.. lol... man i could only laugh; that's the only things that stopped me from, crying, from calling and cursing him out, from almost wanting to run away from life. no he didn't not before my birthday, 10 days away he telling m he don't even love me no more.. oh shit! lol... wowwzers. i could do nothing but respond "true". and then an hour later to sum up all my feelings and hatred into one, i said "I hate you" 15 <3...>having the same friends ain't is easy as i thought, so now i just let shit ride. imma chill in my apartment in baltimore and you can have them and then when you gone i'll be home to visit, cus i don't wanna be around him. imma get over it and over him.

I hate him, I hate him, I hate him... and now with this being my last time mentioning him, his life, thinking of his name and all that other ish. im officially deleting him from my life, from facebook, from twitter, from e-mails, from my mind, from my heart. i don't know who he is anymore. i don't want to and in order for me to get him outtaa my head imma write his name down and cross it out and that will be it. Shomari M. Carey. I have no problem with putting him out there, i feel that in life we all are put out there and you gotta deal with it.. goodnight blog spot.

and don't worry my heart doesn't hurt. it's my birthday week and im 21 on Saturday and im starting from a new journal and new life and a new belief... that will be for the next blog..

this is what happens when you have friends who are students by day and bartenders by night.. thanks for the drink nuggie..

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